moodiness

i was up most the night last night with a migrane. ended up taking tons of medicine and watching rain man. joy and i slept until noon. now it's the next night and i'm still up. doesn't bode well for tomorrow's activities. nor does it for the quality of this post.

i don't really watch much tv. i rarely miss it. occasionally i'll hear about some great show that everyone is watching and i'll wish i could see it. this time of year (football season) can be hard but i live in a predominantly bronco-free zone anyway so i still miss most of their televised games. but whenever there is some sort of national event, usually a tragedy, i wish i could turn on some sort of 24 hour news channel. so currently being at the in-laws i stayed up late watching katrina stuff.

i catch most of the details on-line and even some of the images but it's still different seeing it moving, unfolding. for some reason, i'm more caught up in this than i have been for similar stuff in the past. maybe it's age catching up with me? sometimes when i go to the movies i'll leave still wrapped up in the emotion of what i just watched. coming out of a micheal bay film i'm likely to speed, yell "cover me!" to any passengers in the car, and dive head first through the door to the house. after turning off the tv tonight i felt that sort of way. as if life was all screwy. surreal. discombobulated.

we got back to the US from china on a saturday. the following monday i learned that a 20 year old kid, a friend, died in a car wreck just a couple miles from where i was. i saw the wreck on the local 24 hour news station but didn't learn that i knew the person until later in the day. a few days later and i was at his funeral. coming back from china, a new daughter, getting back into the swing of things at work, jame's death - that whole week felt prfoundly screwy. that's how i felt when i turned off the tv. and i suppose it's what has compelled me to type instead of stare at the ceiling waiting for sleep.

life just feels - important - right now. it seems like things are speeding up, or falling apart. turning a corner, or just plain different than it used to be. the year started with a tsunami that killed people in the hundreds of thousands. i actually knew a family caught in it. i had met them in london last summer. they let me and my two traveling buddies stay in a flat they rent to college types, or to interns of the church they belong to. the flat was empty and we were homeless for 3 days waiting for our flight back to the US. so they said we could stay in their flat. so this family, back in august of 04, was feeling like God had plans for them in sri lanka. to start an orphanage. this past january i called our mutual friend in london after the tsunami primarily to check up on them. they indeed had gone to sri lanka. arrived in early december and no one particularly cared that they were there to start an orphanage. the doors seemed closed. the day after christmas the whole family (this is a large family, something like 12 people) were all on the beach when the waves hit. all were swept out to sea, except the 2 year old. two strangers grabbed her and ran with her to higher ground. everyone of them survived. within a few hours they were all reunited. they were supplying food, water, etc. before the red cross was even there. last i heard they were rebuilding a school and had started their orphanage. that was how the year started.

skipping over much of the last 8 months to the last two weeks and here we are again. watching the news. nature has struck another deadly blow. and in iraq nearly 1000 people died in a human stampede on top of that. it just seems tragedy after tragedy keeps happening. and i found myself at the funeral of a 20 year old. you think about the last time you talked to someone after they are gone. i wish i had spent more time with james. had paid more attention. i wish i had respected his "person"hood. that i had listened more the last time he came to the house. he just stopped by to say hello. nothing majorly new going on. he really was just killing time until the movie he was heading to started. and we had pizza coming so he stayed. but had i known that would be the last time he would ever just stop by the house . . . so, maybe that's why watching 24 hour news makes me feel the screwy-ness?

joy has to be held to fall asleep. if i'm around, i have to hold her. she was asleep on me as i watched the news earlier. it takes awhile for her to be soundly enough asleep for me to sneak away from her. so i get plenty of time to just look at her. she's beautiful. it's beautiful that she is her. that she is here. that we get to be together. we were at a family party earlier today. my sister-in-law taught my little boy how to swim with those little swimmer balloons strapped to his arms. when i left for china he was solidly strapped to me when in the water. i about passed out when he just leapt into the water and was paddling merrily along. i'm pretty certain today was the first time joy ever was in a swimming pool. and she loved it. it was fun to splash in the water together. it was fun to be together. it was fun to "be". i'm really just feeling how important life is these days. i don't think it is just in my head. life is different than it used to be. how can it not be, you know? every living thing changes.

that's plenty for now. i'm going to climb back in bed. amy passed out next to isaac upstairs. joy and i are in the basement. i'll lay there and listen to her breathing. and i'll ponder. talk to God. i don't want to miss out on what's happening right under my nose. i'll just lay there and listen. for awhile, and then i'll be sleeping soon, too.