so many questions, not many answers

i'm feeling kinda sentimental right now, just woke up feeling that way, and i feel compelled to get this stuff down on "paper". i hope this blog becomes more than just an amusing scrapbook for an amazing trip. i want to be able to go back and remember how i felt through all of this. i want joy to be able to go back and relive vicariously something so vital to her life but at the same time something she won't really recall.

tonight we're having dinner together for the last time. we're all on the same flight back to LA together and even though it's 12 hours long i really don't know how much time we'll get to talk. i don't know how much i'll get to tell these people or if i'll even see them again because once we hit LA we all scatter (just like the fire escape instructions on the back of our hotel room door).

i want to tell these people how important i think they are. how special i think it is that we have gone through this together. how i really hope our daughters grow up knowing each other. it's kinda like we've all been living on the same maternity ward floor for the last 2 weeks except no one really talks the language we do and the nurses also bring room service. but it's not like that, too. nothing is like this experience and we've all shared it.

is there anyone else who will be able to say that their daughter falls asleep the same way as mine? and that their daughter also wakes up terrified after being asleep 10 or 15 minutes? as i type, i wonder if the two other families in hays who have also adopted from china if their girls are much like joy in this way? maybe it's a part of being orphaned all together? i'm so grateful we have those wonderful friends. i imagine i would feel a great sense of dread right now if i had to face the idea of going home with no one to cling to in all of this. they are a huge blessing and i can't wait to get home to share life together.

but even still, the people that have been on this trip with us will also hold a special place in our hearts and in our lives. i want to see how baby rose grows up. and i want baby sydney to know that, even though she is in vegas, that she has uncle jake, an aunt amy, and a cousin joy who love her. i want to talk with the dads who weren't able to come on this trip and help get them up to speed if they need it. these girls we're all taking back to the states, they're family. i'm going to miss these people.

and i'm so grateful for the family we're going back home to. i think we're going back to the best situation of all the other families on this trip with us. we've really got it good.

being a parent is hard. for us, becoming parents has been hard, too. i wonder why that is? we've had to jump through so many hoops to bring this girl home with us. we've waited so long for her to born into our family we might as well be elephants. for example, we didn't have to take an oath for our son to become a US citizen. nor did we have to swear, to any government, that we would always take care of him, never leave him like we did to China for joy. a social worker never visited us during amy's pregnancy and we had no appointments set for after isaac was born. and we didn't have to convert any currency or give any gifts not made in china through the whole process. and yet, they both are our children. joy is our daughter, my child, in every sense and just as much as isaac is my son. i feel she is the same gift from God, the same miracle specifically for us - that it could be no other way, just like i have felt about my boy. i really do feel that these particular children have been loaned to amy and i, by God, for a specific reason and at this specific time. that sounds kinda branch davidian. i don't mean it that way. i just mean that both our children are ours in every sense of the word. in everyway i don't feel any differently toward one because he's white and the other because she's asian. because i was there the day one was born and not the other. all those differences between my son and daughter are arbitrary to my heart, mind, and soul. and i don't exactly know why that is. it's very mysterious.

at the same time it's neat how similar to isaac joy is. they both love to laugh and smile and giggle. they both were over 20lbs at 10 months old. (there was something else i noticed yesterday that reminded me of isaac and i can't recall it now.) it's as if they both come from the same gene pool as scientifically impossible that is. maybe i'm getting to see how much humans are alike no matter what? and i know that not everyone will see it like i do. for the last two weeks people have just stopped to stare at us. amy, wisely, has said she's just letting this be practice because it will happen at home, too. for the rest of our lives i imagine. i'm just feeling the weight of what's about to happen. of being a family of four. of seeing the world through the eyes of a minority. of raising a little girl. of helping an orphan transition to being a daughter. you start thinking about all that first thing in the morning and it can be a bit much. all of a sudden leaving disneyland isn't as appealing. (after lunch i'll will have forgotten all about this post and will be more then ready to go home.)

i should stop there. i should go back and edit this down considerably (or even check for typos) but not today. if ever. it's just how i'm feeling right now. thanks for coming along for the ride. i know the vast majority of you reading are doing so because you can't wait to meet joy for yourselves. that you've signed on, either because you have the unfortunate reality of being related to me, or out of choice. i know that you understand because you already love this girl, too. life is strange isn't it?

so, thank you for reading. for being our friends, our family. our loved ones. can't wait to get back home to you all.