deja vu

had a wonderful day at the mckracken rodeo, also known as nixy's birthday. never been to a rodeo. we had to sit, on the ground, right at the fence. dusty, yes. thunderous when the animals blow by, you bet. can't wait to go to another rodeo. isaac wasn't really all that impressed. could be he was terrified and dealt with it accordingly. he mostly ran around playing batman.

but that's not why i'm writing. i was looking at joy's picture and felt this strange guilt. she's so foreign. not in the literal sense. that really isn't my problem (though i'm not so naive to think her literally being foreign will not come with its own set of "issues"). this girl is so foreign to me. to my world. to my life. can i make her fit in? logic says of course but the worry is still there. i mean, who is this person i'm bringing into my home, into my life, forever?

and then i recalled i've felt this way before. and that actually made me feel better. i re-read my blog from the days of before there was the boy. here's an excerpt:

1:01pm (august 20)

isaac william glover is born. and he's fine. his one minute apgar is 7. his five minute is 9. and he cries and cries. and he's beautiful. absolutely beautiful. but kinda weird, too. who is this stranger? i feel small tinges of guilt that i'm not having love at first sight. but, it comes quickly enough i learn. and it comes hard.

i was looking at joy's picture and feeling tinges of guilt because i wasn't feeling all gooey and smitten. but i know from experience i will. and i will do so in a very hard and totally complete, irrevocable way.

ps - you can read the blog from the days of before there was a boy by following the ancient history link on the right.